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Top quotes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin's top quotes. 'I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.'


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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/8c/14/f6/8c14f65f1100326ca74a0b8b510b5674.jpg

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.


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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'


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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.


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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


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I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.


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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/c5/d2/4a/c5d24a7f2c7690b38769241821d90eec.jpg

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!


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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.


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My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'


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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.


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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.


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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/e4/81/b0/e481b0123cc0a0cc4d32522640b21795.jpg

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/8f/43/a8/8f43a8d0019ea59561f8e558fc26efdf.jpg

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/c4/fa/3f/c4fa3fd5a81329813af280ede22a9e35.jpg

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.


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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.


Top quotes by Demetri Martin-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/c2/ba/a4/c2baa4bf1a47e9b7d534117ef76238ea.jpg

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.


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And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.



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