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Top quotes by Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck's top quotes. 'Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.' 'Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.'


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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.


Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.


When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.


If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.


No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.


Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.


If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.


For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.


Never have more children than you have car windows.


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.


Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.


When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.


Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.


There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.


There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.


When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.


I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.



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