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Top quotes by George Carlin

George Carlin's top quotes. 'If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.' 'The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'


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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Religion is just mind control.


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.



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