Top quotes by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx's top quotes. 'A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.' 'Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.' 'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.'

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

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