Top quotes by Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman's top quotes. 'I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.' 'My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.'

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

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If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

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