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Top quotes by Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman's top quotes. 'I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.' 'My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.'


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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.


A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.


A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.


I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.


When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.


My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.


Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.


If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.


If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.



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