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Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg's top quotes. 'I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.' 'I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.' 'All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.'


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Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/29/73/c6/2973c6e4aec7e8f73613d35e1efab1cc.jpg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/b8/0b/c7/b80bc77691653cb1ac3ebcb2756855d9.jpg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/31/bf/1b/31bf1b40bee385c5e8c6d6418b8410a1.jpg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/db/a5/79/dba579dad66ed410eb6afb8cf65d9247.jpg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/3b/c6/4f/3bc64f49a4fdbb24d6ce0d014444ba9b.jpg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/b8/d1/88/b8d188376add277d92999085d1390dab.jpg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/3f/02/a6/3f02a665515c1f131b76395079b0f043.jpg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/cf/be/5c/cfbe5c1eaaecf70ae7894e9ab1e72378.jpg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/a8/8d/a4/a88da4838cd4a84fed9db6f211e342c4.jpg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/83/7b/be/837bbe4d16663f9fa7e14fa0a3cdfc74.jpg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/a9/2c/4b/a92c4b6e208d96e717b8a12655524a78.jpg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/e8/8a/ac/e88aac673c85d98c36d77acc5231ec49.jpg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/75/61/75/7561751ca5319bee0f81e6d51574e9d6.jpg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/3d/85/8d/3d858d813707575d7f8c545aa9730b2a.jpg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/fb/d9/44/fbd944942c9d8c8d199e4eb77db452bf.jpg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/2e/95/f3/2e95f38d96de6c5530449f4f4a459c3d.jpg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/43/c7/aa/43c7aa0178cf03c96d2daf2831c6fe2e.jpg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg-https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/cc/4e/24/cc4e2471c70d80e86f8fa20ee9632c52.jpg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.



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