Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg's top quotes. 'I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.' 'I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.' 'All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.'

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

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I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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