Top quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg's top quotes. 'I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.' 'I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.' 'All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.'

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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