Top quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield's top quotes. 'It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.' 'I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.'

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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